I grew up in the furthest part of
north of nowhere. I was born to a family where all they worshiped was fixtures
of past ancestors. Never did I spend time at the family shrine, but in the
hollows of a demented mind. Few years before we moved into my home in the north
of nowhere, I lost my Pupa. Pupa was my little brother whose smile made the
flowers in my heart bubble red. He knew how to make my everything bright. But
the day he died, the battery that ignited my ever blazing fantasies died.
Everyone noticed my silence and
beckoned I grow out of pain. I would have accepted it if he came back to me and
made it all bright. The next few weeks we moved to far north from where I was born.
The rains wouldn’t stop when we arrived. It rained continually with heavy falls
and continuous drizzles. My heart was clouded but my mind struggled to arrive
at the place of rest. I once heard that the peace of the heart controls the
health of our minds and body. I hadn’t yet quieted my heart; how was I supposed
to quiet my soul. Then the rains calmed.
One grueling
morning, I stumbled on the Pictures of my Pupa. Instead of the pain I was
supposed to feel, it was some kind of exhaustion that ignited from within.
Staggering from my bed, I stole a glance from the rooms my senior siblings laid
to the external court of my home. With my daring passion, I burnt it all. I
ended the pain and I crumbled to the ground with an inner calm, but yet an
extremeness of failed passion. At that time, we worshiped the fallen gods. My
mother and my late father hailed from the watery part of the land that hinged
on rocky lands. During moonlight tales, everyone would narrate the beauty of
the river goddess, how they were all dedicated to it! My tender heart hated
that tale and aggressively I asked once ‘I hope we weren’t sanctified by the
fallen goddess!!! She would smirk hard and say ‘you weren’t dedicated directly
to her but you belong to her’. No one taught me about the Big God then but I
knew he was real. I screamed headily at mom ‘I belong to no one, no!! I belong
to no one. She would laugh wholeheartedly without minding my tantrums and say,
you have no choice.
One funny morning, I guess the
waters on the other side mixed up with the sands by the seashore because of the
scent that came with the breeze. The breeze then blew the scented rivers
towards my direction. I felt free and my tummy tumbled in so many degrees of
fantasies. Nature is my thing. I would sit for hours staring at forested areas
and wonder what wonders happened there. Forget all those thrilling stories of
demons and dead men bones. Whoever was the creator of life didn’t create
forested areas for demons to dwell within. There should be some kind of wonder
going on there apart from demons and those far-fetched tales. I stumbled
towards some buildings where I heard stuttering sounds of words like
‘hallelujah’. My heart melted to the sounds that grew from the distance and I
was determined to head right at that place. My mother’s words came down to me
with thundering’s ‘You don’t step out of this house or I cut your funny little
limbs’. She Scared the hell out of me but adamantly I persevered towards there.
Some other force was pulling me towards that humpy building and I kept moving
and never looked back.
One major flaw I inherited from
my dad was his unappealing attitude to be noticed. All I wanted to do was
really disappear through the door and stand still there watching them do their
thing. It didn’t take me as long as I thought it would to find myself there
with so many youngies there doing some kind of worship. My left leg gained a
foot hold of the entrance and I paused like a huge rock. Everyone turned and
looked at me. Inwardly I felt like a wild stranger but that wasn’t the reaction
I got from the people inside the church “Back then I idolized it a temple like
the one we usually prayed to’’.
Some youngies came towards me and
dragged me into the procession of praise singers. I felt free and wild. I never
knew the reaction to give at that point but I just started crying profusely. As
I sobbed, it grew into screaming and all I felt was the patting of my back and
whispers of ‘it’s going to be alright’. I never felt warmth and extravagantness
of care before now. Then my nerves grew calm and I was taken to a sit to relax.
You may begin to wonder and
ponder about the depth of my pain. I lost it all when dad and Pupa left me. my
siblings and mom never understood what it meant to loose. Because all went back
to their passions and earnest wanderings. All that I ever knew made me happy
was my dad and my little brother. Then I grew depressed and got into pangs of
panic attacks that grew into some kind of mental damage.That was when I met the big God.
I was told he loved and cared for me and all I needed to do is give my all to
him. One thing that cut my stomach was when I heard that he could be the best
friend I never had. With my little inspired heart, I accepted. I was hungry to
know him. I really needed him to become my bugger and pizza. My heart took a
different shape immediately, a shape of joy. No one knows if there’s a shape
called joy but all I remember is that I never felt that way before.
On my way home someone dropped
some kind of cold iced water on my chest. People would say its peace and
quietness. I had met my personal lord; the one who choose me even before I was
born and who loved me from the moment I took my first breath. As I stumbled
home, I kept on saying ‘’big God you better stick with me I’ve got to face
several problems at home.
My problems seemed larger than me
at the time; one was my mother who was a traditional worshiper and that ugly
goddess that plagued my home. My stomach taunted me a bit but I grew determined
to tell my mom and my siblings about my faith.
As I got home, I heard screams
and wailings from the house. I thought it was because of my absence. On getting
home, mama ran towards me with her hands on her head and strangely she hugged
me so tight and pointed to the burning building where our gods laid;
She said ‘my gods are dead,
Lulami, our gods are gone’
